Thursday, 8 January 2009

Everything all at once

Sometimes its difficult to know where to begin , you know? This past few months has brought changes and fears, worries and losses, but also a new hope and trust in the goodness of my saviour. A possible title for this post might be "Obedience" but i'm sure i'll ramble about more than just this... There is such a beauty and joy in obedience of our father. This should be apparent, but it seems to have eluded me for so long! Simple obedience to the instruction and direction of a loving God brings a trust into my life which leads to a dependence on Him, on whom I ought to depend always. My lack of trust in Him, at the root, comes from a belief that He is not altogether good, or that He doesn't know exactly what is best for me; I feel that my choices should be my own, and I'll find my own way, because I know what I want and what I need. Could I be more mistaken? Every time I take matters into my own hands I leave a wake of destruction behind, breaking people and wounding friends.
As far back as the beginning of the summer, God impressed on me the need to move away from the church I was in; I was not growing in faith, I learned very little, and if anything I was losing maturity and passion for God the longer I stayed. I, however, resisted God for several months, convinced I must be mishearing Him, because I was for the most part very happy in the church. I had a fair amount of responsibilities, leading worship frequently with a group of friends and musicians with whom I was confident leading... We had played together so long that we'd know what the other wanted to do, or how they wanted to build simply by listening and eyesight-- all in all, I enjoyed that part of my life immensely.
God told me to let go of it. I said no.
Let go of this and I'll bring new oppurtunities along for you.

But I'm comfortable here. I don't see why you want me to let go of the part of my life where I can serve you so well.
You think that you are serving me, but you are taking half the glory yourself. How can it be serving me if it doesn't cost you anything?
ARGH!! well, how can i serve you then? Worshipping apparently isn't good enough...
Most of what you give me is not worship, it's just music.
I don't understand.
It's not trust if you understand it. The act of worship I want from you is obedience.

.... *fight for several more months*
... OK God, I'll let go.

Wow. God is amazing. He has opened my heart to love Him as I have not before. Now, as never before, I can say that my desire beyond all else is to love Him more- The act of obedience in letting go seems such a little thing now, but I fought Him so hard over it. But since that obedience, God has begun to do a new thing, in my heart and in my music. I want to love Him more, that is what is in my heart. And now that I am no longer "Worship leader" at a church, I think I understand more what it means to worship Him in spirit and truth. He has started to lay songs on my heart and I'm starting to be able to write- something I knew was latent but had never found catharsis- This new season of my life is so different from that false sense of security I used to think I knew. How to describe it? Terrifying, exhilarating, raw, piercingly beautiful, fragile and desperate, there is now no safety net that I can see but the hand of the almighty beneath me as i stumble through life one shaky footstep at a time. There is not comfort, there is not certainty in the areas of my life i had grown used to expecting constance. But give me not security, give me not the dumb and muted insulation of an easy and secure life devoid of the power of God- all this sense of security is false and renders dependance on God optional. Rather I would know Him, see His hand at work in my life through all of the storms, and learn to cling to Him when it is only He and I.