forgiving 2

So-- i've been thinking a whole lot more about my last post-- and i've come to the conclusion there is a big difference between forgiving and excusing-- i can forgive, and i need to forgive. That doesn't mean i let myself be manipulated, and that doesn't mean being a pushover. So yes, a relationship needs healing and growing. But i can forgive now- that doesn't mean going back to the same state as before. It doesn't mean saying- "its ok for this relationship to be one-sided and wrong." Because it's not ok. But i can forgive that person, and then work on building a real friendship once i've forgiven that person. And i can't work on fixing a broken friendship if i have unforgivness in my heart. So firstly, I do forgive you. And secondly, yes i want to build a real friendship, but it'll take time.

on forgiving

why is forgiving so flippin hard?
when someone does something that hurts me i can always pretty much forgive them straight away. Either I am able to see it from their perspective, or i understand where they're coming from, and so i can extend forgiveness without that much trouble. This time i'm having a really hard time with it.
I think it's when one particular action makes you realise the status of a whole relationship-- one text message exposes an entire "friendship" as manipulative and one sided. What do you do at this point?
when it's assumed that you will forgive straight away, and "matt can handle it", so people dont spare a second thought to how they treat you. At some point you stand up and say- guess what? You're not manipulating me anymore. I'm not gonna be taken for granted, because i'm a real person and i'm not here to cater to you.
Is that wrong? I have a sneaking feeling that it is wrong. But i'm having trouble getting past that point into forgiveness right now.

Realising you feel

I just had a memory/thought about one of the strangest things i ever experienced-- loss of someone you have no logical reason to be connected to or really to care about. Very wierd- maybe writing will help me figure this out.

Ok so lots of people in my family i.e. relatives and stuff, have died. You're just going through life, you come home from school, and Dad says- Matt, we just heard, Nanny died. Or Grandpa, or whoever. You know what i mean. And maybe i'm alone in this, but my initial reaction is not to shout or scream or cry- in fact i almost never cry. I take the news with a sort of detachement. even when i know the person really well, and love them more than the whole world. The fact that all of my family lives 3000 miles away might have something to do with that. But i'm not sure if i would react any differently if the person lived 10 miles away rather than three thousand. My mute reaction of detached incomprehension is as far as my response goes.
Then a few months later, our family goes back to the states to visit, and i absent-mindedly say- "o yeah dad i meant to ask, when are we going to visit Nann............" and burst into heart wrenching sobs when the loss actually becomes real to me.
It really takes a long time for me to grasp that loss- and that might be me alone, or maybe others feel that way too. Who knows?

But the only time i can remember grasping, understanding, really feeling a loss INSTANTLY was this past summer. And the wierdest thing is, i really had no reason to feel that loss. I was working at a friend's farm in a warehouse, painting the inside of an office; i could see outside through a huge big window, and everything was ok. My boss's dog, Baxter was sitting happily outside as far as anyone knew. A beautiful chocolate labrador puppy, only like a year old.
All of a sudden this huge tractor thing comes around the corner and either hit Baxter or just ran over his leg, or something. Baxter starts howling, jumping around and just looking frantic- i, not having seen him get hit, thought he was playing, but then he collapsed on the ground. I realised something was wrong, ran down the stairs to the door just as he was lying there on the concrete. And then his eyes glazed over and he was gone.
My boss put him in her car and rushed off to the vet, but he was dead long before she got there.

And so there's me. Standing in a half painted office with cream colour paint all over my hands, and tears literally pouring down my face. Wondering how i'm supposed to wipe my eyes cus i'll get paint in them. And feeling this enormous sense of loss, which had no right to be there. I didn't know this dog from any other walking in the street. It's a dog not a human. It's not my dog. Why am i so ridiculously torn up by this?
But i guess it comes down to a life- it was there one second, and snatched away in the next instant-- whether that puppy belonged to me or not, i still felt that loss. Illogical as it is, whatever anyone says, i think i felt that more intensly and certainly more instantly than any other loss i have experienced. Maybe i'm just screwed up. But i think that trying to get rid of that or forget that emotion or try to excuse it would be wrong. So i'll give it up to God. As soon as i work up the courage. But i think that could take me a while.

On valentines day

For years, probably 3 or 4 years in fact, i've been pretty much fine with being single. After my last major relationship ended, i realised i needed to be a complete person, myself, before looking for completion in anyone else. With that decision came a sort of peace, cause i knew God had it in hand, and i was and am being fathered by God, learning to be the man he made me to be. Believe me, i'm a long way from that work being completed, but i have definately felt that working-- i'm more on the way to being a whole person than i've ever been before-- i'm learning to stand on my own two feet now in a spiritual sense, and my relationship with God has become more real. I live every day trying to make this salvation my own, not my parents faith. And i've made some progress.

But i'm not in that same place of resignation anymore. Things aren't how they were, and people change. I see that in the relationship of two of my closest friends who i love very much. I only realised literally two days ago, the enormity of his love for her. Yes, i know that its completely obvious who i'm tlking about, but i dont apologise for that. You guys, you know who you are, mean more to me than anything. But i see in you the pain of people changing. The way someone can change, but the other not be able to see it. But the biggest thing i have learned from these two friends is the dedication and intensity of a love that is no longer selfish, a love that won't let go in the face of pain, and that is protective, caring, listening, and at every instant wanting to be with that other person. Even when it is not returned. When we have to learn to speak again, and refuse to let things go back the way they were. That love is the most amazing reflection of God i have ever seen. And i don't apologise for picking you out :-) You have taught me so much.

But the point of this blog is this. I thought i was fine being single. I have been for ages. But i'm not. I want someone. I want to love, to protect, to provide, to care about the little things. I know i will screw up at times, but this gift God gave to man- i want to be part of that. I'm probably being ridiculously emo here, but i don't want to go through life a hermit- i want to live and experience joy, love, hope, and face the trials with someone by my side. To be the man God made me to be, not just for myself but for someone else as well.

Maybe Valentines day brought this to head, but its totally true, and whats on my heart right now. Please God, bring someone into my life.

C.S.Lewis is a legend.

Prayer

Master, they say that when I seem
To be in speech with you,
Since you make no replies, it's all a dream
--One talker aping two.

They are half right, but not as they
Imagine, rather, I
Seek in myself the things I meant to say,
And Lo! the wells are dry.

Then, seeing me empty, you forsake
The Listener's role, and through
My dead lips breathe and into utterance wake
The thoughts I never knew.

And thus you neither need reply
Nor can; thus, while we seem
Two talking, thou art One forever, and I
No dreamer, but thy dream.

what a game.