AARRGGHH!!!!!!!

so, apparently the closing date for applications to the medical physics development course was on the 13th of feb. and also, apparently, it's really competitive with many more applicants than places. many of whom will be better qualified, with experience in hospitals and SOME CLEAR IDEA OF THEIR CAREER PATH! But it doesn't matter anyway, does it? because i missed the application. i give up. i'll just settle for some crappy job that pays the bills but doesn't fulfill, cus apparently thats too much to ask.

He Loves Us. O how He loves us!

wow!!! really, wow!

Everything all at once

Sometimes its difficult to know where to begin , you know? This past few months has brought changes and fears, worries and losses, but also a new hope and trust in the goodness of my saviour. A possible title for this post might be "Obedience" but i'm sure i'll ramble about more than just this... There is such a beauty and joy in obedience of our father. This should be apparent, but it seems to have eluded me for so long! Simple obedience to the instruction and direction of a loving God brings a trust into my life which leads to a dependence on Him, on whom I ought to depend always. My lack of trust in Him, at the root, comes from a belief that He is not altogether good, or that He doesn't know exactly what is best for me; I feel that my choices should be my own, and I'll find my own way, because I know what I want and what I need. Could I be more mistaken? Every time I take matters into my own hands I leave a wake of destruction behind, breaking people and wounding friends.
As far back as the beginning of the summer, God impressed on me the need to move away from the church I was in; I was not growing in faith, I learned very little, and if anything I was losing maturity and passion for God the longer I stayed. I, however, resisted God for several months, convinced I must be mishearing Him, because I was for the most part very happy in the church. I had a fair amount of responsibilities, leading worship frequently with a group of friends and musicians with whom I was confident leading... We had played together so long that we'd know what the other wanted to do, or how they wanted to build simply by listening and eyesight-- all in all, I enjoyed that part of my life immensely.
God told me to let go of it. I said no.
Let go of this and I'll bring new oppurtunities along for you.
But I'm comfortable here. I don't see why you want me to let go of the part of my life where I can serve you so well.
You think that you are serving me, but you are taking half the glory yourself. How can it be serving me if it doesn't cost you anything?
ARGH!! well, how can i serve you then? Worshipping apparently isn't good enough...
Most of what you give me is not worship, it's just music.
I don't understand.
It's not trust if you understand it. The act of worship I want from you is obedience.
.... *fight for several more months*
... OK God, I'll let go.

Wow. God is amazing. He has opened my heart to love Him as I have not before. Now, as never before, I can say that my desire beyond all else is to love Him more- The act of obedience in letting go seems such a little thing now, but I fought Him so hard over it. But since that obedience, God has begun to do a new thing, in my heart and in my music. I want to love Him more, that is what is in my heart. And now that I am no longer "Worship leader" at a church, I think I understand more what it means to worship Him in spirit and truth. He has started to lay songs on my heart and I'm starting to be able to write- something I knew was latent but had never found catharsis- This new season of my life is so different from that false sense of security I used to think I knew. How to describe it? Terrifying, exhilarating, raw, piercingly beautiful, fragile and desperate, there is now no safety net that I can see but the hand of the almighty beneath me as i stumble through life one shaky footstep at a time. There is not comfort, there is not certainty in the areas of my life i had grown used to expecting constance. But give me not security, give me not the dumb and muted insulation of an easy and secure life devoid of the power of God- all this sense of security is false and renders dependance on God optional. Rather I would know Him, see His hand at work in my life through all of the storms, and learn to cling to Him when it is only He and I.

The most awesome family in the world

Seriously blessed to have these guys as family.

Going away... and coming back

So, I just got back from an unbelievably good weekend away with guys from CU- at a big house outside Reading- a weekend full of spending a lot of time studying God's Word, praying, spending time with brothers and sisters of the faith, worshipping, walking in the country and still other activities which sound stuffy and boring, but which in actuality have left me more refreshed and challenged than i could ever have expected. We studied the book of Jonah in some depth over the three days, and i was struck with how much deeper the story is than i remember from sunday school. We looked at our motivation for evangelism, and the way we are enabled to do it- 2Cor4- it is not us. It is ALL down to God, and we are just the vessels. We discovered anew the God of Grace who saved us- something that left me broken at the realisation of how much Christ has done.
Several points of thought from the weekend--
Why did God flood the earth in the time of Noah?
-- To prove to sociologists that if you remove all the "bad people" from the earth in one cataclysmic event- if you wipe out all sin on the planet, if you start again with the only six righteous people on the face of the earth-- You will still not solve the problem of sin. Sin is a disease, invisible, and much much more serious than paralysis (see mark 2)
Cutting off the hand might prevent repeat offenses of stealing, pulling out your eye might prevent you from looking lustfully at a woman- but sin is a matter of the heart. So to solve it you have to cut out your heart. In order to prevent repeat offences, you have to die. You have to die to everything that makes you human in order to be made new- the life i now live in the body i live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself up for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing.
Gal 2.20-21.
I can only live by grace, as there is nothing within me capable of attaining salvation for myself. I am wholly lost and in outright rebellion to God and His authority- I am an enemy of God and all that He is- But when I accept Jesus, I die to sin. I am no longer in the dominion of sin, of darkness, a slave to evil- I have become a slave to righteousness, and the recognition of this phenomenal mercy that makes me alive with Christ overwhelms me. I now subsequently and naturally should and will spend my life in learning more of this Jesus, the source of all light and life, the one who has brought me out of darkness and into His kingdom.
And with the dscovery of just what I have been saved from, how can i not see my friends differently? How can i refuse to notice that they have a one-way ticket to oblivion and seperation for eternity? The people around me who I claim to love are in outright rebellion to the King, and unaware of their status- And I may be the only Jesus that they will ever know. How can i sit still? Jesus, give me perspective! Please don't let me carry on this apathetic reluctance, or valuing others' opinions more highly than yours- Break my heart for what breaks yours, Jesus, and don't leave me alone until I do something about it.

Family

Family photo shoot pictures

Wings

No, they're not mine... but they're awesome:-)The thing about flying is you have to jump off the ledge. In order to glide upwards on the currents and eddies you must hurl yourself headlong into the abyss and believe that underneath are the everlasting arms. A mother eagle does not teach her chicks to fly bit by bit. She simply kicks them out of the nest. Often God is more gentle with us, but often He wants us to do our bit of the growing too. I often wish that God would simply place in me all of the attributes He wants me to have so that I won't have to learn them the hard way. But, it turns out, the only way to develop patience is to be faced with many oppurtunities to be patient. The only way I am ever gonna learn to fly is to get out of the nest. But if I won't get out, God may well give me a shove. He knows I need it. Instead of resenting God's nudging or overspiritually rebuking the enemy when in fact it is only my circumstance which are out of place- I need to recognise the purpose and the lesson in the shove. What attribute am i learning here? How are these circumstances giving me oppurtunity to grow up?
Ranting and raving about unfairness, i've discovered, is kind of pointless. Are we actually genuinely demanding what is due to us? Let's think about that for a second. That might be dangerous... I deserve eternal judgement and fury for what I've done. But God in His incredible and reckless grace has chosen to be a father to me, whether that requires taking me by the hand as I take my first steps, picking me up and reassuring me when I fall, or sometimes saying, "Matt, you're old enough to do this now- just do it. Don't make me shove you. You have to grow or you'll stagnate and I'm not willing for you to be lost. So even if it means me shoving you out of this nest, You're gonna grow and become who I want you to be, and fulfill all that I have planned for you. I love you too much to let you stay how you are. Now get out of this nest and get on with the flying."

Spelling

So its been a while since i posted, i know. That doesn't mean nothing ahs been going on :-) loads has happened and is still happening that makes the normal things of a previous life less and less comfortable. Maybe thats what I need in order to accept growth. I heard recently that you spell growth C-H-A-N-G-E and also that faith is spelled R-I-S-K. Well that's all very well until you have to do it.
Circumstances are changing in my life which will mean i have to adapt and change, grow and progress, in order to deal with it. But the working out of what to do next is anything but clear. I need the wisdom to see the next step and the faith to take the R-I-S-K.

What hurts the most

Wow. i got just a little bit emotional watching this- thought i'd share it.

Egkentrizo

Graft (egkentrizo; the Revised Version (British and American) "graft"; the King James Version, "graff"):

The word occurs 6 times in Rom 11. Paul assumed that those living about Rome were familiar with the process of grafting olive trees, for olive culture had been adopted by the Greeks and Romans in Paul's time. The wild olive trees (Arabic colloquial, zeitun berri) are cut back, slits made on the freshly sawed branch ends, and two or three grafts from a cultivated olive (Arabic colloquial, zeitun jouwi) are inserted in such a way that the bark of the scion and of the branch coincide. The exposed ends are smeared with mud made from clay, and then bound with cloth or date straw, which is held by thongs made from the bark of young mulberry branches. The fruit thus obtained is good. Wild olives cannot be made cultivated olives by engrafting, as Paul implies (Rom 11:24), but a wild olive branch thus grafted would thrive. So Gentiles would flourish spiritually when grafted into the fullness of God's mercy, first revealed to the world through Israel.
James A. Patch

http://www.wildolive.co.uk/

This website i've found really helpful in understanding my place in relation to the people of the promise, Gods chosen Israel. I think its interesting that grafting can't happen without wounding. The process of joining, of uniting, is a painful one and requires wounds.

Just something to ponder...