forgiving 2

So-- i've been thinking a whole lot more about my last post-- and i've come to the conclusion there is a big difference between forgiving and excusing-- i can forgive, and i need to forgive. That doesn't mean i let myself be manipulated, and that doesn't mean being a pushover. So yes, a relationship needs healing and growing. But i can forgive now- that doesn't mean going back to the same state as before. It doesn't mean saying- "its ok for this relationship to be one-sided and wrong." Because it's not ok. But i can forgive that person, and then work on building a real friendship once i've forgiven that person. And i can't work on fixing a broken friendship if i have unforgivness in my heart. So firstly, I do forgive you. And secondly, yes i want to build a real friendship, but it'll take time.

on forgiving

why is forgiving so flippin hard?
when someone does something that hurts me i can always pretty much forgive them straight away. Either I am able to see it from their perspective, or i understand where they're coming from, and so i can extend forgiveness without that much trouble. This time i'm having a really hard time with it.
I think it's when one particular action makes you realise the status of a whole relationship-- one text message exposes an entire "friendship" as manipulative and one sided. What do you do at this point?
when it's assumed that you will forgive straight away, and "matt can handle it", so people dont spare a second thought to how they treat you. At some point you stand up and say- guess what? You're not manipulating me anymore. I'm not gonna be taken for granted, because i'm a real person and i'm not here to cater to you.
Is that wrong? I have a sneaking feeling that it is wrong. But i'm having trouble getting past that point into forgiveness right now.

Realising you feel

I just had a memory/thought about one of the strangest things i ever experienced-- loss of someone you have no logical reason to be connected to or really to care about. Very wierd- maybe writing will help me figure this out.

Ok so lots of people in my family i.e. relatives and stuff, have died. You're just going through life, you come home from school, and Dad says- Matt, we just heard, Nanny died. Or Grandpa, or whoever. You know what i mean. And maybe i'm alone in this, but my initial reaction is not to shout or scream or cry- in fact i almost never cry. I take the news with a sort of detachement. even when i know the person really well, and love them more than the whole world. The fact that all of my family lives 3000 miles away might have something to do with that. But i'm not sure if i would react any differently if the person lived 10 miles away rather than three thousand. My mute reaction of detached incomprehension is as far as my response goes.
Then a few months later, our family goes back to the states to visit, and i absent-mindedly say- "o yeah dad i meant to ask, when are we going to visit Nann............" and burst into heart wrenching sobs when the loss actually becomes real to me.
It really takes a long time for me to grasp that loss- and that might be me alone, or maybe others feel that way too. Who knows?

But the only time i can remember grasping, understanding, really feeling a loss INSTANTLY was this past summer. And the wierdest thing is, i really had no reason to feel that loss. I was working at a friend's farm in a warehouse, painting the inside of an office; i could see outside through a huge big window, and everything was ok. My boss's dog, Baxter was sitting happily outside as far as anyone knew. A beautiful chocolate labrador puppy, only like a year old.
All of a sudden this huge tractor thing comes around the corner and either hit Baxter or just ran over his leg, or something. Baxter starts howling, jumping around and just looking frantic- i, not having seen him get hit, thought he was playing, but then he collapsed on the ground. I realised something was wrong, ran down the stairs to the door just as he was lying there on the concrete. And then his eyes glazed over and he was gone.
My boss put him in her car and rushed off to the vet, but he was dead long before she got there.

And so there's me. Standing in a half painted office with cream colour paint all over my hands, and tears literally pouring down my face. Wondering how i'm supposed to wipe my eyes cus i'll get paint in them. And feeling this enormous sense of loss, which had no right to be there. I didn't know this dog from any other walking in the street. It's a dog not a human. It's not my dog. Why am i so ridiculously torn up by this?
But i guess it comes down to a life- it was there one second, and snatched away in the next instant-- whether that puppy belonged to me or not, i still felt that loss. Illogical as it is, whatever anyone says, i think i felt that more intensly and certainly more instantly than any other loss i have experienced. Maybe i'm just screwed up. But i think that trying to get rid of that or forget that emotion or try to excuse it would be wrong. So i'll give it up to God. As soon as i work up the courage. But i think that could take me a while.

On valentines day

For years, probably 3 or 4 years in fact, i've been pretty much fine with being single. After my last major relationship ended, i realised i needed to be a complete person, myself, before looking for completion in anyone else. With that decision came a sort of peace, cause i knew God had it in hand, and i was and am being fathered by God, learning to be the man he made me to be. Believe me, i'm a long way from that work being completed, but i have definately felt that working-- i'm more on the way to being a whole person than i've ever been before-- i'm learning to stand on my own two feet now in a spiritual sense, and my relationship with God has become more real. I live every day trying to make this salvation my own, not my parents faith. And i've made some progress.

But i'm not in that same place of resignation anymore. Things aren't how they were, and people change. I see that in the relationship of two of my closest friends who i love very much. I only realised literally two days ago, the enormity of his love for her. Yes, i know that its completely obvious who i'm tlking about, but i dont apologise for that. You guys, you know who you are, mean more to me than anything. But i see in you the pain of people changing. The way someone can change, but the other not be able to see it. But the biggest thing i have learned from these two friends is the dedication and intensity of a love that is no longer selfish, a love that won't let go in the face of pain, and that is protective, caring, listening, and at every instant wanting to be with that other person. Even when it is not returned. When we have to learn to speak again, and refuse to let things go back the way they were. That love is the most amazing reflection of God i have ever seen. And i don't apologise for picking you out :-) You have taught me so much.

But the point of this blog is this. I thought i was fine being single. I have been for ages. But i'm not. I want someone. I want to love, to protect, to provide, to care about the little things. I know i will screw up at times, but this gift God gave to man- i want to be part of that. I'm probably being ridiculously emo here, but i don't want to go through life a hermit- i want to live and experience joy, love, hope, and face the trials with someone by my side. To be the man God made me to be, not just for myself but for someone else as well.

Maybe Valentines day brought this to head, but its totally true, and whats on my heart right now. Please God, bring someone into my life.

C.S.Lewis is a legend.

Prayer

Master, they say that when I seem
To be in speech with you,
Since you make no replies, it's all a dream
--One talker aping two.

They are half right, but not as they
Imagine, rather, I
Seek in myself the things I meant to say,
And Lo! the wells are dry.

Then, seeing me empty, you forsake
The Listener's role, and through
My dead lips breathe and into utterance wake
The thoughts I never knew.

And thus you neither need reply
Nor can; thus, while we seem
Two talking, thou art One forever, and I
No dreamer, but thy dream.

what a game.

on the subject of loving people.

A good friend raised the question some time ago of the reason behind my caring/ doing anything for the people around me-- am i fighting for a cause for it's own sake- and is that worth doing? Do i care about people, or just their situation? What does this desire for resolution find its root in? Is it simply a cause-fighting instinct, one by which i feel the desire for advocacy? Do i look straight through the people as i'm looking at their situation?

The truth is, sometimes its easier to try and solve somebody's physical problems than relate to them as people. The only reason we can do anything for anyone without hypocrisy is by genuinely feeling love for them. This goes for telling people about my faith as well. The only reason for me to share my faith with someone is out of love for them. Any other motive is laced with insincerity.

"do you only love me because you want me to become a christian, or do you want me to become a christian because you love me?"

that about sums it up to me- any motive that doesn't include love is false.
But the reality is, i don't naturally love people. They are a nuisance to my selfish way of life. They get in the way of my life-plan. They have loads of needs and desires, hopes and aspirations that i don't want to worry about.
The only place i can get this love is from God. It ain't gonna come from me, no matter how "deep inside". God has to put that love in me for His beloved, and all i have to do i ask.
Now, equipped with this immeasurable love, i have no excuse not to demonstrate God's love to every person i meet.
Read a couple of chapters of James, it leaves me with no doubt that my faith must be a faith must be a faith of action. Inner state demonstrated by outward actions. But sincere, because i know what i have been given, and now have a love beyond understanding.

This is one of the hubble deep field shots-

i love this picture, and others like it.

Astronomers focused the hubble space telescope on an apparently "blank" area of the night sky and let the exposure run for a while.

There are thousands of galaxies in this picture- eliptical galaxies, spiral galaxies, supernova remains, nebulae...

wow.

what a creator.

Everlasting doors

sometimes there seems like there are huge obstacles in the way of moving forward in my walk with God. A couple weeks ago, pretty much starting on new years, it was insanely hard for me emotionally- seemed like everything around me was just coming to a head and i didn't feel like i could sort through all of the issues at once.

I felt like i didn't fit/wasn't wanted both in the group of friends i value most, and within my own family. It turned out these sort of things had been a problem for me for a long time but i always bottled them up- just tried to move on past them without dealing with the root problems.

Anyway, we had a week of prayer and fasting at our church which i tried to go to as much as possible- it was really intense for me-- during the week i got a definite analogy kept coming to my mind. It was as if all the fear and anxiety about acceptance was right in front of me like huge gates, much like the enormous Assyrian gates in the the British museum i love so much- and the way forward with God was on the other side. I struggled like crazy to just shrug off all this crap and just move on, like i usually do. It wasn't working.

Two things gave me hope in that place- both simple things but really powerful to me at that time, and continuing.
1st- What does the bible say about big gates? about gates of brass, everlasting doors? it says, in Psalm 24-
Lift up your heads, O you gates; be lifted up, you ancient doors, that the King of glory may come in.
8 Who is this King of glory? The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle.
9 Lift up your heads, O you gates; lift them up, you ancient doors, that the King of glory may come in.
10 Who is he, this King of glory? The LORD Almighty— he is the King of glory.

so i grabbed onto that with both hands and declared, you know what- open up you gates of brass- Gods bigger than you, get out of the way. i genuinely believe that words have power- way more than we are inclined to believe, as western middle of the road Christians. We were made in the image of a creator God who spoke the universe- our words have power too, and even more so when we are speaking the words of God, through the scriptures.

OK so 2nd-- I praised. I have always said, you know, worship and praise means more when you don't feel like it, and declaring God's faithfulness is true so you should do it no matter what you feel like... well i have said that flippantly in the past with no idea how hard it is.
well, let me tell u- in that black place, where you feel like you can't do anything but worry and go around in circles in your head, going over and over the problems which fill up your entire vision--
in THAT place-- THAT is where praise is so immensely powerful. It totally takes the focus off of me, and back onto God where my focus ALWAYS belongs. yeah its hard, but it is the best thing you can do. Put on music that lifts up and declares that God is good, all the time, and MAKE yourself sing along.
its almost impossible at first, but the longer you praise, the more you get a completely new and right perspective.

anyway, that is what I've learned and am still learning this year.
i know i still have a long way to go, but the road is forward from this point.

knowing that you know- pt 2

I am partially changing my opinion on "knowing that you know"... i think that now i can know that i know that God will always be there, but knowing certain things about Him is not important- rather knowing Him in all His uncertainty.
Awesome quote from Oswald Chambers in "My Utmost for His Highest" comin at u--
Gracious Uncertainty
. . . it has not yet been revealed what we shall be . . . —1 John 3:2
Our natural inclination is to be so precise— trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next— that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots. Our common sense says, "Well, what if I were in that circumstance?" We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been.
Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life— gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God — it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, ". . . unless you . . . become as little children . . ." (Matthew 18:3 ). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, ". . . believe also in Me" (John 14:1 ), not, "Believe certain things about Me". Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in— but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him