Penitent

http://www.christiansconfess.com/

Those who have gone before.

Often my direction comes from those who have gone before me, but I tend not to recognise the pain with which the first one made the trail when it seems so well worn to my feet. The first man to walk this road deserves my gratitude and honour- for showing the way, despite the pain it caused to walk the narrow path.

"Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him"

"Those who believe that they believe in God, but without passion in their hearts, without anguish in their mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God idea, not God Himself."- Miguel de Unamuno

Hello? anyone there?

God I really don't know where you are in all of this- I really want to know you're there but I can't seem to find you right now. If you're there, we could use some help.

Fearing Normality

"Normality shouldn't be so terrifying."
Very interesting statement that came up the other day when I was talking with a friend. It's made me think rather a lot about what it is that I truly want. The old British adage "anything for a quiet life" is, to me, simultaneously attractive and utterly terrifying. One part of me would love to have no pressure, nothing to worry about; the dominant part has a persistent desire to achieve something, to make some form of a mark on the world.
Fading into the background and doing something meaningless with my life may well provide less stress in the daily living, but doing something meaningless with my life would be, by definition, entirely unfulfilling.
But the more I think about it, the more I realise that doing something great or noteworthy by the world's standards is perhaps worse than doing nothing at all in terms of the value it will add to my life. Most people who are incredible "successful" in the world’s eyes suffer from that accomplishment daily, reflecting the stress, loneliness, worry and fear of loss in their constant grasping for more. Yes, I'm generalising, but Jesus said it was harder for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven than for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle. I don't think he was being entirely metaphorical. I think (shoot me if you will) that he meant it. And yes, it is more about the priorities of your life, and whether "the money owns you" (*gags on the cliché*) but let's be realistic, eh? Even the rich young ruler, who had followed ALL of the commandments from his youth still LACKED one thing- "Go, sell all of your possessions and give to the poor- then you will have much treasure in heaven".
So I guess the point I’m coming to is that making a mark on the world is just a worthless as a life of mediocrity. But those things that are worth something eternally are worth investing in.
The question of how much I accomplish eternally and what my life is worth is not measured by the things I do externally , but by what is in my heart as I go. If I give some change to the guy on the street and feel smug about being so generous for parting with a fiver- rest assured, I’ve had all the reward for that already. A heart of love for the lost, and caring for the fatherless, being an ordinary radical- someone who loves people as only Jesus can, in every part of life. These are the things I aspire to. God give me grace to grow in those things that are really significant.

Zenda...

Shall I see her face again--the pale face and the glorious hair? Of that
I know nothing; Fate has no hint, my heart no presentiment. I do not
know. In this world, perhaps--nay, it is likely--never. And can it
be that somewhere, in a manner whereof our flesh-bound minds have no
apprehension, she and I will be together again, with nothing to come
between us, nothing to forbid our love? That I know not, nor wiser heads
than mine. But if it be never--if I can never hold sweet converse again
with her, or look upon her face, or know from her her love; why, then,
this side the grave, I will live as becomes the man whom she loves; and,
for the other side, I must pray a dreamless sleep.

Origins

"The Big Bang was actually Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking God in the face."
haha
so inappropriate.
not even funny.
*chuckle*

Seeking Solitude

Being by yourself is interesting isn't it? I've always avoided being alone by being part of a great big busy family, having friends at church, friends at uni... but now i find myself, in one sense, very much alone. The only people i see day to day are a bunch of scientists, all much older than me and with interests limited to their work or maybe football. Great. I don't like football, I can't talk about X-ray diffraction at their level, so I'm kind of stumped here. Other than that, i see my landlord. And thats it. So in one sense, I'm very much by myself. In terms of actually finding some other people to talk to, i'm going to a really awesome church this sunday, so maybe God will provide some new company :-) But at the moment, it's just me and Him.

And I think this experience is one which will stick with me- in fact, I will make sure to carve out some time for solitude when I am back among friends, because I recognise the value of it now. Being alone is not usually a choice. But solitude is different than loneliness. Solitude is sought- the choice to be alone with my thoughts and with God. This goes way beyond carving out twenty minutes for a quiet time in the morning- that twenty minutes does not end up being quiet, or solitary enough to allow proper release into God. And that is the key thing i have seen- that the time alone with God is not to be clearly structured or defined or ordered, though these things become necessary when the time is limited. Simply seeking out the presence of God, resting in that presence, and releasing everything i am thinking about, worried about, proud about, all up to him. This Practising the presence of God, as recommended by Brother Andrew (read the book) is really something to live by, something to live out, every day and in every form of company. It shows itself in the conversations we choose when we are with friends, in the activities we pursue when among christians and non christians alike, but importantly, it shows itself in the subject of our meditation when we are alone. Meditating on the Word and in the Person of God is something we should do as readily and as eagerly as breathing.

The other practise that is conducive to healthy christian living is, of course, fellowship. But i have never been short of fellowship in my christian walk. There have always been people around me encouraging me, and that is a very valuable thing. But relating to God and being comfortable alone with Him; that is something i have not really spent much time practising. Solitude was Jesus' main priority at many times during his ministry, and it was and is a necessary counterpart to the very relational majority of his life. Being alone used to hold a sort of fear for me, and i avoided it. But Solitude is something different, and something valuable. Something I will not run from now I know that I am never truly alone.

giving up and getting back

I realise now as I sit to write this, that i haven't written a blog in forever. O well. Much has happened in my life since my last blog, and i am in such an entirely different place now, it seems hard to believe.
I have seen answers to prayer, seemingly unanswered prayers, made new friends, and come very close to losing two of my best friends through selfish stupidity. I'm currently not even home in Essex, I'm in oxford doing an internship, and from the start of next week, I'll have to find somewhere else to stay as the people I'm living with now are going away. Much change.
But one thing remains- God is faithful. He hasn't left me, and still has good plans for my life, even when i try to wrench them from his grasp and make it happen in my own time. The main example of this in the past months is the whole relationship thing. If you look back at my February blog/rant on valentines day, you can probably sense some of my impatience with God. "God, I know you're going to bring her along when I'm ready, but does it really have to take this long?"... well, let me tell you, taking matters into your own hands doesn't work out so well. Trying to force God's plan just caused incredible pain and betrayal, and the effects are still apparent in the broken trust between friends. In fact, I surprise myself at how much of an idiot i can be, given the chance. Trust me, it's not worth it.

But God has been nudging my heart back into trusting him with this. I feel like i have to do something or i may never find her, or if she's right in front of me she will just slip away. But God says he has plans for my life- good ones, and if i will wait on him, he'll guide my steps. So that's what I'm trying to do- just leave it at his feet, and trust him to bring along the senorita :-) What i can do is work to rebuild the friendships i bulldozed in my attempt at matchmaking without God's input. And hopefully I'll learn from this and come out stronger and humbler.

God, I give over my life plans to you, and ask that you replace them with your own. Help me walk in your presence and listen to your voice. Amen

forgiving3

hey i know this is my third blog on forgiving...sorry :-)

So. forgiveness, eh? it requires a decision for us to forgive. forgiving is a choice we make, and the emotion follows. Forgiving someone doesn't mean not feeling what they've done anymore. It means choosing to start the recovery process, and not holding onto the pain or the betrayal in order to hold it up for all to see. Flaunting the deed to draw attention to oneself and condemnation upon the accused. That's what we do, isn't it? I know when I've been hurt, the last thing i want to do is let go of that, because then who is going to agree with me and share in my righteous anger?

"righteous anger"? The day we start calling down judgement from heaven on those who have hurt us, as my pastor says "we'll get our fingers burned". Everyone of us is selfish and lashes out at times, i know i do, but then it is with such great surprise that we find out our friends sometimes lash out at us too. How dare they? that's a question and a half. how dare any of us.

But that doesn't help me out in what to do with this whole forgiveness thing. If i want to regain a friendship, you're right- saying "i forgive you" may not make it all better. But it releases the HOLD that we let that unforgiveness have over our emotions, and we invite God to heal. And he does.
Time is a great healer, they say. But not without God, and not without us letting go of our
unforgiveness. When we do, God can heal us. And yes, it takes time, but sometimes not as long as you think. Nothing is impossible with God.

The situation that prompted the past two blogs is on its way to a complete recovery now :-) and what is so funny is that the act which i was so angry about and had such trouble forgiving, when put in perspective, pales by comparison to some of the hardships this person has faced. So i had no right to take the high ground there. But unforgiveness, when held onto like that, has a way of distorting the truth. Make the choice, say the words- both to the person and to God, and God will heal the pain. It may take time, but He is faithful.